Miss Alaska, If I were President...

 

When I was in my twenties, often I would be flipping through the channels and I would come across an episode of Saved By The Bell.  Now I don’t know what it was about this show, because it had unbelievably bad acting, the most contrived story lines since Three’s Company, and was about all the type of high school kids that I hated when I was in high school.  But for some reason it just drew me in and no matter what vitally important task I had to do at that time, it went on hold so that I could see if this was the week that Kelly would finally kiss Zak, or what wacky thing Screech would do to annoy Principal Belding.  I could not stand this show but for some odd reason I could not take my eyes off of it.  I’m sure it had something to do with Tiffany Amber Thiessen, and the thoughts that I was having, that I could be arrested for since she was only 16 at the time (I cannot tell you how stoked I was when I found out she was going to be on 90210.  Now I could think perfectly legal thoughts about her!  Well, mostly legal thoughts about her.)  But the reality was it was something more than that.  It was the same reason why when we see an accident on the highway we all slow down to look, hoping to see something incredibly horrific that we can ooo and ahhh about, such as an airplane that fell from the sky on a van filled with nuns, or that the Oprah’s Dream Bus had run over Dr. Oz.  But normally it’s your usual fender bender and we drive past disappointed because our time was just wasted with nothing to show for it.  This is exactly how I feel about the three ring circus that we call Sarah Palin.  She is currently on her U.S. book tour to promote her book, Going Rogue, which apparently explains why it was everyone else’s fault that John McCain lost the election, except hers of course, and other beauty queen answers to the question, if you were president, what would you do?  Is she selling lots of books?  Well of course she is.  If Jeffery Dahmer wrote a book about cooking he’d sell millions!  No one would want to eat anything in it, but we sure would want to see what he could to with a marsala sauce.
 
But what exactly is it that makes this woman relevant in any way shape or form?  The answer is nothing.  She is the train wreck that we simply cannot take our eyes off.  She became famous for being the biggest mistake that any Presidential Candidate had ever made since…well since no one!  She is unprecedented! What the H. E. double hockey sticks, was John McCain thinking, YaBetchYa!  If he wanted to pick a woman as his running mate, well that’s all fine and dandy, but with all the well respected, intellectual, experienced republican women in this country that he could have picked from, he chose a unknown, former beauty queen, with no experience on the national stage, who shoots buck, and whose only foreign policy experience is that she can see Russia from her porch.  Let not forget that this is the woman who could not name a single magazine or news paper, did not know what the Bush Doctrine was, and who in recent interview on FOX kept mixing up Iran and Iraq.  Apparently Sarah told Sean Hannity that she wants to crack down on IRAQ’s nuclear plans.  Maybe Sarah isn’t aware that we already had one idiot president crack down on IRAQ’s mythical weapons of mass destruction.  So now Sarah has been on every talk show that she can get her perky little face on.  She’s been on Oprah, Hannity, Glenn Beck, O’Reilly, Good Morning America, The Today Show just to name a few and so far all she has shown  us is that according to poor little, I’m the ultimate victim, Sarah Palin, she was wronged big time.  She was taken advantage of, her good untarnished name (yea, right) was dragged through the mud.  Apparently everyone in the McCain campaign was out to get her and if they just let sweet perky Sarah, be Sarah, everything would have been just fine.  To this I say, Sarah P, get a clue.  Take ownership for once in your life for what you have done, for the answers you gave, for the mistakes you made.  Being cute and perky is not gonna get you through this one.  Politics is a dirty game and apparently you were not prepared to play.  You wanna be president some day?  Well maybe you should not have quit your day job as governor of Alaska and wrote a, I’m rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you, book!  Maybe you should have spent the next few years staying in politics, leading the people of Alaska, built up somewhat of a record, unlike, as you claimed your democratic rival, who is now president, did not.  But instead, now you are a ex-Governor Palin who quit half way through your term so that you could go do personal appearances, and write a book, and get rich. You choose money over the people of Alaska.  Do you really think that is the best position to be in going into a presidential race?  You have effectively now become known just for being you.   You have become the Paris Hilton of politics. 

But just when I thought I had seen it all, I was wrong.  The other evening I had fallen asleep on the couch.  I woke up and it was just past 3 am, and Larry King was on CNN.  I was half asleep and without really paying attention I heard Larry ask his guest, “Do you think Sarah Palin could win in 2012?”  I heard the man start to give his answer and turned my head to see who it was.  I rubbed my eyes and squinted at the screen, and then I saw his name and thought to myself, “No it can’t be.  Is Larry King really asking this guy that question?  I’m half asleep so maybe I just read it wrong.”  So I looked again at the name under the picture, and answering Larry Kings question, was none other then Joe the Plumber!  Joe the bleepin’ plumber!  Joe, I’m not even a plumber and Joe is not even my real name, the Plumber!  The only thing that I care less about then what Sarah Palin has to say, is what Joe, my 15 minutes of fame expired 20 minutes ago, the plumber has to say about Sarah Palin!  There was no way in hell I was going to waste any time listen to Joe the Plumber’s opinion of Sarah Palin, and then it happened!  I changed the channel as fast as I could and wouldn’t you know it, Kelly kissed Zak!  The world was good again.