Dear Dad, Some Hopey Changey Advice Ya BetchYa!
April 11, 2010
Because of the hundreds of e-mails that NorthShoreDad receives every day asking for advice or my opinion on various subjects, I’ve decided to start an advice column called “Dear Dad”. Our first letter comes from a reader in Washington D.C. that calls himself Potus.
I have a very important job. Millions of people look to me for leadership every day. Frankly, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I am probably the most powerful man in the entire world, that is unless you ask my wife (LOL), if you know what I mean? But quite seriously, after I got permission from my wife to run for this position, I worked my behind off to get where I am today. Believe me, there were many people who never thought I would make it this far and many people who still wish I hadn’t, but in the end there really was not much of a contest. I mean the old guy I was up against picked an unknown Alaskan chick to run with him who couldn’t tell the difference between the White House and an outhouse! I kept waiting for Ashton Kutcher to walk out to tell me I’d been Punked but then I realized the old man was being serious. Now she’s going around the country, speaking at these Tea Party events which are one sheet away from a KKK rally. It's times like these that I wish I was a communist ‘cause I’d sick the CIA on her perky ass, ya betch’ya! So here I am now, leader of the free world and in all honesty, this is a lot more stressful then I expected it to be! For some reason I thought this was going to be like past leaders who came into this job, where everyone rallied around him, accepted him as their chief of staff, and got down to business. But it seems instead half the country hates me, and half of the government won’t work with me on anything. It is really starting to depress me! Thank god we’ve got the majority in congress, for now at least. But regardless I’ve tried to be fair and include the other side in everything but nothing seems to work. It seems like the only people who like me unanimously are the Europeans. This would be great if I was the ruler of Europe but I’m not. But my biggest problem is that there is this group of bullies who just won’t leave me alone. Every day they go on their stupid television network and spread constant, unbelievable lies about me. And the worst of it is that the people who watch them believe every word they say like it’s coming from the mouth of god. I mean how stupid are these people? Are they too damn ignorant to operate a computer? It’s called the internet people, do a little research! Check the facts for gods sake! For once and for all, I was born in Hawaii, I am a Christian, not a Muslim. I am a Democrat, not a Socialist, or a Fascist, or a Communist, or a Marxist and I am most absolutely not the Anti-Christ! I do love this country, and yes, I also think it was crazy that I got a Nobel Peace Prize. Let’s be real, I hadn’t even done anything yet! I just don’t get it, I‘m a nice person. I’m tall, decent looking and have a great smile and I am always trying to get everyone involved. For example I just did this really nice thing. I gave health care insurance to 34 million more Americans who could never get it before. Did I get even an ounce of help from the opposition or at least a thank you? Hell NO! They did everything they could to stop me no matter how much I tried to get them involved. I eliminated pre-existing conditions, no more caps on coverage, and you can go to any doctor you want. You would think that everyone would love me. But according to them, not only am I going to kill grandma but I’m also gonna bring about Armageddon! I mean really, Armageddon? Now I have to choose a new Supreme Court Justice and I just know this is going to another partisan pain in my half black ass! Dear Dad, what can I do to finally bring everyone together so that this nomination goes smoothly and we can work together from now on in political peace and harmony? Oh one more thing I forgot to mention, now the Jews are pissed at me as well because I kind of snubbed Netanyahu on his last visit here, Oy Vey!
Were you not hugged enough as a child? Where does this insatiable need for everyone to come together and get along come from? Sure in a perfect world this would great. We would all think alike, we would all agree, but guess what, that would be frigin boring! Variety is the spice of life. That is what makes America great, that we can all think and say what ever we want no matter how wrong, misleading, and completely untrue it might be. To be frank with you Potus, wake up! You got the power and up until now, you have yet to use it. Stop trying to make friends with the other side and get the job done. You and your friends can pretty much do any thing you want and you are spending way to much time trying to get everyone to agree and come together. Do you think if the old man got the job he’d be spending one second trying to get you to agree with him? No, he would be pushing through every piece of legislation he could regardless if you approve of it or not before he croaks and Miss Alaska is running things! So I say stop with the Kumbaya bull-shit, go grow some gonads, screw the opposition, tell those bullies to go to hell, spend the next few years making some real change in this country, and stop pissing off the Jews! Believe me you do not want to get them mad.
If you would like advice from Dear Dad you can write him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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