Problems, You Think You Got Problems? You Got Nothing!
June 28, 2010
What’s your problem? No really, what’s your problem? What’s that one thing that is eating away at you that you just want to get up and scream about at the top of your lungs? What is pissing you off!? Think about it for a second because I know there is something. What is the biggest thing that is going on in your world at this very moment that is just making you insane, the one thing that you just wish you could do something about? Is it that your kids don’t call you enough? Is it that one is stoned all of the time or that you think your wife is cheating on you? Is it that you regret not going to med school and life insurance sales is just not working out for you? Is it that your friends have a bigger house than you do or that your partner who you thought you could trust has been embezzling from you for the past five years? Maybe you think you need to loose ten pounds, or maybe you’re morbidly obese and can’t figure out why you use food to comfort the pain that your obsessive eating is really all about. Maybe you think that your problems actually matter! To be honest I have no idea what your problem is but I’m gonna tell you right now… GET OVER IT! DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND TAKE CHARGE! Because the truth is nobody gives a crap about your problem because we all got problems and everyone thinks theirs is more important than yours is. So do something about it and stop wining about it on Twitter!
Let’s put your “problems” in perspective here. The reality is, your "problems" pale in comparison to what is going on in the world right now! I mean really, the U.S. just lost in the first elimination round at the World Cup! (Yea, like we really cared. We don’t even call the sport by its real name. Unless your native land is somewhere in Europe the last soccer match you watched was between bunches of kids while you sat in a folding chair playing games on your iPhone. The U.S. has given new meaning to the phrase ‘fair weather fan’) The real truth is none of your problems really matter in comparison and if you think they do pick up a news paper. At this very moment man is destroying the earth. Ok, BP is destroying the earth, but we sure are not helping any with our complete dependence on oil in this country. We have the technology to run cars on hydrogen but refuse to invest in the infrastructure to make it happen. You can get almost anywhere in Europe on high speed rail but if we did that here it might just damage our failing auto industry, create thousands of jobs, and g-d forbid reduce our dependence on oil. And how about bottled water, the biggest scam ever perpetrated on the American people. Some how the beverage industry convinced us to pay for something that you can get right out of your tap, something that is regulated and tested for drinking safety by the EPA, unlike bottled water. Do you know how many inspectors the FDA employs to inspect bottled water plants? One, yea that’s right one, so basically none. In addition it takes 47 million gallons of oil, (you know that stuff leaking into the Gulf,) per year to create the 1.5 million tons of plastic water bottles produced each year that are thrown into landfills and the ocean. Not to mention all of the oil needed to transport all those bottles of water from the plants to the supermarkets. And guess where Aquafina and Dasani get there water from? Queens, NY and Jacksonville, FL tap water! In effect, the beverage industry is selling snow to Eskimos. C’mon people, there is an oil spill in the Gulf bigger than Rhode Island and we’re using napkins to clean blades of grass. To quote a recent Facebook status update by my “Facebook friend” and Second City Alum, David Razowski, “We HAVE to stop calling this a ‘spill’. A ‘spill’ is tiny. This is not a ‘spill’, this is a ‘disaster’.” The Exxon Valdez was a spill, a huge spill mind you that destroyed countless wildlife, but a spill none the less. This is disaster on the level of biblical prophecy! BP opened up a f!@*kin portal of doom that has unleashed a demonic poison killing everything in its path and has destroyed the lives and lively hood of millions of Americans from Louisiana to the Florida Keys. Man, I hope Tony Hayward gets his way of life back soon. So how are your problems looking now?
Oh, and then there is Iraq and Afghanistan. The chief commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, just got caught bad mouthing the President in Rolling Stone Magazine, whereas the President responded with “I’m rubber and you’re glue, what ever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!” Then he fired him. So now our leadership appears weak, we are in the middle of the longest war in our nation’s history, more soldiers have died in Afghanistan this year alone then in all the other years of the war combined, and Osama Bin Laden is probably drinking Mai Tais at the Fontainebleau in Miami. Seriously, nobody would even think of looking for him there. So as Michelle said to Barak while they privately celebrated there win against John McCain on election night, “Mr President, it’s time to pull out!” While I applaud the President for wanting to finish what his predecessor did not, it’s never gonna happen. And as for Iraq, (yea Sarah Palin, it’s Iraq with a Q, not Iran, you stupid bimbo!) Cheney’s buddies at Halliburton and Blackwater made their money, George W. made daddy proud by overthrowing Saddam, and we poured billions into rebuilding Iraq’s infrastructure, while at home our roads and bridges crumble all around us, our educations system is going bankrupt, and our economy is nearing complete economic collapse once again, and you got problems?
Foreclosures are at their highest ever. More Americans are out of work then any time in our history. Illegal immigrants are running over the border stealing those coveted busboy, car wash attendant, and lawn care jobs that we all want so much, and any terrorist fresh from the Al Qaeda school for hating Americans can walk into a gun show and buy as many semi-automatic rifles as they want. At least my problems are gone because I have a business idea that is guaranteed to make me rich, pure Artesian Mountain Bottled Air. Just don’t tell anybody it’s really from Queens, NY.