Saturday was my birthday and I am forty-four years old. I am usually told that I don’t look forty-four but instead somewhere in my mid thirties, whereas my wife, who actually is in her mid-thirties, is often mistaken for being in her mid twenties. Maybe if she took worse care of herself and I took better care of myself people would think we are the same age. I certainly don’t feel much older and I’d like to think I have grown wiser, but regardless, here are some things that I have learned in my thirty-five years on this planet.
- No matter what age someone guesses that you are, simply smile and say, “Yes, that’s exactly right,” unless they guess you are older in which case you simply smile, nod your head, and then spit in their food when they’re not looking.
- Never tell your kids any of the terrible things you did when you were their age because all they will hear is “Awesome! Dad got stoned! Now I can too!”
- If you do ever catch your kids smoking pot make sure to act very disappointed, apply the appropriate punishment, and confiscate whatever marijuana and paraphernalia you find. Then after they go to bed, make sure to open a window so they don’t smell you “disposing” of it.
- Premature ejaculation is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something to laugh at.
- Ninety percent of the people that you call Facebook Friends used to be called people you did not care enough to keep in touch with since high school.
- You don’t need to update your Facebook status every time your kid makes a crap on the potty, and stop poking me!
- Not every movie needs to be shot in 3D unless it’s animated, science fiction, or pornography.
- The best advice I ever got was from Steven Colbert, moments before going on stage to audition for The Second City. He said to me, “Just be yourself.” I blew the audition. Thanks a lot asshole.
- If you like high school reunions then you probably also liked high school. Personally, everyone that I want to see from high school, I already do.
- In life there is right and there is wrong and I’m right, unless you ask my wife, then I’m wrong.
- Just because you voted for Barack Obama does not mean you are a champion of civil rights. It means either you finally realized what a dick George Bush was, or the thought of Sarah Palin becoming your next president scared the living crap out of you
- Before Tea Party protesters make their signs they need to learn that calling the President a fascist, socialist, communist is like saying Sarah Palin is smart, while also saying she is so stupid that if she got for a penny for her thoughts, you’d get change. You see, you just can’t be both.
- If you voted for John McCain, it does not make you a racist, it just means you lost. Yep, you lost…lost, lost, lost, lost, L – O – S – T, lost, as in looser, did not win. Boo hoo for you, go have a tea party.
- Whether you voted for Barack Obama or not, if you really thought that in 18 months he was going to be able to turn around the job market, reduce our dependence on foreign oil, bring back manufacturing to this country, reform the greed of wall street, stop record foreclosures and bankruptcies, stop terrorism, and bring every last one of our troops home from the two costly wars that failed in capturing Osama Bin Laden and stopping al Qaeda, but succeeded in killing over 5000 of our troops, and injuring over 35,000 more, not to mention running our deficit up into the billions, all before Obama took office, then you either had unreal expectations, have been watching too much FOX News, or are dumber then Sarah Palin, and that’s pretty dumb.
- Global warming exists and if you don’t believe me check out this photo of Sarah Palin on the beach at the Muir Inlet, Glacier Bay National Park and Preserve, in Alaska, and the same beach in a photo from 1880.
Yes, I have learned many things in my twenty-nine years on this planet, and I have decided that I have a lot more to learn. You see, I may not know everything, but the things that I do know, I am completely right on. Oh and one more thing, the other day Sarah Palin was seen talking into a mail box. The mailman asked her what she was doing and she told him, “Sending a voice mail.” What an idiot.