By Brian Dann
Tomorrow I will be 47 years old. I keep telling my wife who is much younger than me that since I have so many more years on her, this simply means I am much, much, much wiser than her, more worldly, and she as well as all those who are my junior can now learn from my 47 years of wisdom. To this she just seems to laugh, says “Yea, right!” and walks away. But for the rest of you, gather ‘round my youngins, my flock, my fertile minds yearning for knowledge and truth as I share with you all that I have learned in my 47 years on this rock, this forth planet from the sun that we call Earth! (hmm, what? Third planet? Yes dear, love you dear, thank you dear…) Third planet from the sun that we call Earth!
1. The new Beverly Hills 90210 cannot hold a candle to the original Beverly Hills 90210.
2. No one ever got into a bar fight, drove 80 in a 20 zone, or drunk dialed there ex after smokin’ weed. Why? BECAUSE THEY JUST SMOKED WEED!
3. You can keep saying that America is the greatest country in the world but as long as we are nine out of ten in GDP, seventeenth in education, and thirty sixth in health care, that is a tough claim to keep making. But we are number one in gun violence, soooooo there’s something to be proud of.
4. This one is only for men. Men, if you want porno sex, get a job in pornos, otherwise it ain’t happening.
5. You are born gay. You choose to be ignorant.
6. The greatest TV show ever was All In The Family, not Seinfeld, not Friends, not MASH, Glee, Dallas, Breaking Bad, Soap, Game of Thrones, The Sopranos, Star Trek, Saved by the Bell, or Baywatch (ok when Pamela Anderson was on, that was pretty epic). You can dispute me on this claim, but this is a fact, sorry.
7. Jesus Crist may have re-thought this whole prophet, son of god thing if he knew the Westboro Baptist Church would come out if it.
8. The movie quote that changed my life, “You have to get in the middle of it. You have to take sides. Make a contribution to the fight. Any fight. The one you believe in.” – Arnold Epstein, Biloxi Blues.
9. If most of your social interaction is on Facebook…GO OUTSIDE!
10. Good sex is messy. Great sex is disgustingly messy! Phenomenal sex usually involves replacing furniture afterwards.
11. If you don’t want your kids to do drugs, don’t tell them that your nickname in high school used to be Captain Trips-a-lot.
12. Talk to your kids about sex early, and when they ask you at what age you started having sex tell them the truth…thirty four.
13. Superstitions are pointless, meaningless and will never result in anything bad happening to you…knock on wood.
14. If you just realized that the government is spying on you…hmmmm, how do I put this lightly?...You’re an idiot.
15. Money cannot make you happy, but a convertible Jaguar with an eight cylinder engine that goes 0-60 in 3.4 seconds can.
16. Surround yourself with people smarter than you, purge the ass holes, and do the things you are most scared to do.
17. If you are afraid to fail then you will fail.
18. "Yes And..." Look it up, Learn it, Live it.
19. If you’re a man you will become your dad, if you are woman you will become your mom…if you’re lucky.
20. The greatest movie in the world is Animal House. If I have to explain why, you just don't get it.
21. Find something you love to do, Keep body soul and mind together, and find someone to share it with. – Dick Clark