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I Just Wanna Give Rahm A Big Hug

By Brian Dann


Rahm Emanuel, I’m not really sure why, but for some reason over the past couple of weeks I just want to give Rahm a big ol’ hug, maybe invite him over for a barbeque, ask him why he thinks Farmer Chris sent Kaitlyn home instead of Becca.  It’s like all of a sudden he’s just so darn likeable.  Oh I know he can rub people the wrong way, or talk when he should listen. He owns that - DAMMIT! But he’s driven to make a difference...Ok...wait...this is just weird.  I know I’ve heard those words somewhere before.  Oh yea, here…



I would have loved to have been in that campaign meeting, held right after a guy, who has the same nickname as Hans Solos co-pilot, forced a run-off for mayor of the third largest city in the United States.  I’m assuming it was Michael Ruemmler, Emanuel's campaign manager who looked at Rahm and said something like, “Well...ya see...I, I, I think the problem here is…(talking while coughing with his hand over his mouth, hoping Rahm doesn't slap him upside the head) people just don't like you.  (Pause, cringe...no slap)...Sooooo, what I think we should do is dress you up like Mr. Rogers, put you on TV and have you admit to how big of a douchebag you really are.”  To which I’m imagining Rahm responding with, “That’s fine, but then can I tell them, if they don’t like me how I am, too damn bad, deal with it?” To which Ruemmler then said, “How about if you just say, I own that.”  Now if this was a fight that Rahm was having with his wife he would have to follow up his confession with something about how he will try to be nicer and stop being such a douchebag, but since we the voters are not going to withhold sex from the mayor, he tells us “I own that.”  Here is the problem with that.  When nobody likes you, simply admitting you're unlikeable, doesn't make anyone like you any more.  And the truth is Chuy Garcia is really likeable. His nickname is Chuy for gods sakes!  I guarantee you, when Chuy Garcia walks into a bar, everyone in the bar yells “Chuy!”  When he walks down the street in his neighborhood, people on steps and in windows yell, “Hey Chuy!”  And I promise you that the chant “Chuy, Chuy, Chuy, Chuy…” has been heard many times, and not just right before he was just about to win a beer guzzling contest in college.  But nobody ever yells RAHM!  They just don’t.  Maybe they say things like, "That Rahm is such a douchebag," but that's about it. So if Rahm Emanuel wants any hope of beating the oh so personable Chuy Garcia, he doesn't need touchy feely, overly personal campaign ads that look like Trolley is about to lead him into the land of make-believe.  What Rahm Emanuel needs in a cuter than cute nickname that would make the cast of Cheers say, Norm? Norm who? So here are a few that I have come up with.

  1. Rahmy

  2. Rizzo

  3. Boogie

  4. Doogie

  5. Cheech

  6. Rahmbo

  7. Chilli

  8. Slim

  9. Coco

  10. Chachi

Seriously, I think any of these will do.  Apparently a likeable, approachable nickname is exactly what voters are looking for in there next mayor.  Coco may be a little too stripper, and Rahmy may be a bit too obvious, but all the others would work just fine. For now, I'm leaning towards Chachi.  It’s cute, catchy and still sounds like you mean business.  So at this time I would like to formally announce that I am officially endorsing for the next mayor of Chicago...Chachi Emanuel!  I just wish Chachi wasn't such a douchebag.


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